Introduction
Marriage is one of the greatest mirrors we will ever stand before. It reflects our patterns, our fears, and our capacity for connection. These same truths apply far beyond marriage, extending to friendships, parenting, dating, and even the relationship we have with ourselves.
In Part Two of our Rooted & Restored series, Rob and I swapped roles. He asked the questions, and I had to pause and respond from the deepest places of honesty. What unfolded was not only about our marriage but about how relationships heal when two people stop running and start growing.
Letting Go of Control
In every relationship there is a temptation to control outcomes. We want to protect ourselves from disappointment and to keep things predictable and safe. I lived that way for a long time. Control made me feel secure, but it kept me from true intimacy.
Healthy relationships require surrender. Not submission, but surrender that says, “I cannot control everything, but I can trust what is being built between us.” Melody Beattie writes in No More that growth comes from releasing what was never ours to manage. Whether in marriage or friendship, letting go of control makes space for connection and trust to deepen.
Taking Ownership Instead of Assigning Blame
Growth begins when we take responsibility for our own patterns. For me, that meant recognizing how fear of being disappointed made me over-function in relationships. For Rob, it meant seeing how pulling away when overwhelmed left me feeling alone.
When we both began owning our part, everything changed. The Gottman Institute teaches that accountability builds trust, while defensiveness destroys it. These truths extend far beyond romantic partnerships; they apply to coworkers, family systems, and lifelong friendships.
The moment we stop pointing fingers and start asking what is mine to own, healing begins.
Softness is Strength
Our culture often celebrates independence and self-sufficiency, but lasting connection requires softness, the willingness to stay open even when it feels vulnerable.
I used to see softness as weakness. Now I understand it as courage expressed through calm. It is the space that allows relationships to breathe. Softness means listening longer, reacting slower, and showing up even when it feels safer to withdraw.
Whether in marriage, parenting, or community, the most impactful are built by people who choose empathy over ego.
Emotional Safety Starts Within
The quality of our relationships will always reflect the quality of our relationship with ourselves. I have learned that self-care through yoga, stillness, movement, prayer, and breath is not just personal maintenance. It is relationship maintenance.
When I am connected to myself, I can listen without defensiveness, offer grace more freely, and stay present during hard moments. As Brené Brown writes in Atlas of the Heart, “You cannot love people well when you are running on resentment and exhaustion.”
The more grounded we are within, the safer others feel around us.
Awareness Heals Triggers
Triggers are not proof that something is wrong with us; they are invitations to heal. When someone we love disconnects, criticizes, or withdraws, it often stirs pain from earlier parts of our story.
In marriage, friendships, or family systems, we have a choice: react from old wounds or respond from awareness.
This shift does not happen overnight. It comes through mindfulness, communication, and the courage to name what is really happening inside. That awareness gives us freedom, freedom to repair instead of repeat.
Love That Matures
Over time, love evolves. It stops being about being needed and starts being about being known. It becomes less about excitement and more about endurance, curiosity, and care.
Watching Rob grow into humility and strength has deepened my trust. I have learned that love matures when we allow one another to change.
These lessons hold true for every relationship including parenting, mentorship, leadership, and friendship. Love is not static. It expands as we do.
Humility Keeps Relationships Alive
Humility is the thread that holds every healthy connection together. It allows us to admit when we are wrong, to ask for help, and to learn from one another.
Whether in marriage or at work, humility communicates, “You matter more than my pride right now.”
At Rooted Therapies, I often remind clients that humility is a form of emotional intelligence. It is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself accurately. It keeps connection alive when defensiveness wants to take over.
Self-Care vs. Selfishness
Caring for yourself fuels connection. Ignoring yourself drains it. Selfishness is taking without giving; self-care is refueling so that you have more to give.
This is true in every relationship dynamic. Parents who practice self-care model balance for their children. Leaders who rest inspire healthier teams. Partners who nurture themselves bring more compassion into the relationship.
The healthier you are internally, the more love, patience, and presence you can offer externally.
Balancing Independence and Connection
Healthy relationships require both individuality and unity. You bring your wholeness into connection, not your emptiness.
For me, this means staying connected to what brings me life: movement, creativity, quiet, and purpose. Knowing who I am allows me to love without losing myself.
When both people in any relationship honor their individuality, connection becomes stronger, not weaker.
Practices That Keep Us Rooted
The truth is, our marriage did not grow because we found the perfect formula. It grew because we kept choosing to come back to the table again and again.
When things felt off, we learned to pause instead of react. We talked about what was happening inside us, even when it was uncomfortable. We kept showing up for ourselves so we could show up for each other.
Growth in marriage has meant continuing to do our individual work through therapy, reflection, and prayer, and then bringing that growth into the relationship. It is about checking our own hearts before checking out of connection.
There have been seasons where we needed boundaries, where we needed space to breathe and think. Other times, it meant staying close even when we did not have the right words. Every time we returned to the same truth: we are on the same team.
For us, staying rooted has been about humility, grace, and the willingness to keep trying. There is no single practice that guarantees growth, only the daily commitment to keep turning toward one another and to keep doing the inner work that allows love to grow deeper roots.
Leaving a Legacy of Wholeness
Rob and I both come from divorce, so we have seen what brokenness can do. Our hope is that our family and our community see something different, that staying can be sacred, and that repair is possible when both people are willing to grow.
But this truth belongs to everyone, not just married couples. When you stay in hard conversations, in friendships, in self-reflection, you cultivate resilience that changes generations.
Staying is not about tolerating pain. It is about transforming it.
If You Take One Thing Away
Relationships of every kind will challenge you. They will reveal the parts of you that still need healing. But when you stay, listen, and grow, they will also become the place where you discover your strength.
Healing begins within, and connection grows when both people choose presence over perfection. The grass is not greener somewhere else; it grows where you nurture it.
If you’re ready to strengthen your relationships from the inside out, Rooted Therapies offers counseling and workshops focused on connection, emotional safety, and self-awareness.
If you haven’t yet, take some time to listen to Rooted & Restored Podcast Episode 11 | Real Marriage Conversations: Husband’s Perspective—a genuine look at growth, partnership, and the work that makes love last.
And be sure to check out our latest blog,, for practical insight and encouragement you can bring into your own relationship journey.
Visit or call 941-216-1406 to start your healing journey today.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What if only one person is ready to grow?
Start with yourself. Inner change often creates outer change. When one person evolves, the entire relationship dynamic begins to shift.
2. How can emotional safety be rebuilt after conflict?
Safety grows through consistency, ownership, and honest repair. Admit mistakes, listen deeply, and create new patterns of response.
3. Is therapy useful if the relationship is not struggling?
Yes. Preventative therapy strengthens communication and builds tools before problems arise. It is maintenance, not crisis management.
4. How do I balance caring for others with caring for myself?
Create boundaries that allow you to refuel without guilt. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Healthy self-care sustains meaningful connection.
References
Beattie, M. (2008). Codependent No More. Hazelden Publishing.
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart. Random House.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2020). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
The Gottman Institute. (2020). “The Role of Repair in Healthy Relationships.” Retrieved from www.gottman.com.
Rooted Therapies – Couples and Family Services. Retrieved from .